Why me first? I can’t help you breathe if I’m not breathing.
Keeping in mind that the way our children treat us is a reflection of the way they will treat others, it seems like a good idea to teach them to interact with us respectfully. But what does that look like?
That’s a tricky one. Please keep in mind that the first two categories I describe below are extremes, and that even if you fall into some of the patterns I describe, you likely also maintain a connection, offer loving guidance, and honour feelings. This is a continuum, not a black and white. Let’s give ourselves a break, and allow ourselves to live in the gray.
Loose Boundaries, Low Self-Respect → Disrespectful Child
Some of us have grown to fear our children. We want their love so badly that we accept all sorts of behaviour from them at the expense of our own self-love and self-respect. We permissively allow them to yell at us, to roll their eyes at us, to ignore us when they don’t feel like hearing us, to physically leave the discussion when they disagree, to hang up on us, to slam doors in our face – to disrespect us. We might think we’re being the heroic silent martyr, perhaps saving our children from the wrath of our own overly-regimented upbringing. In fact, our lack of personal boundaries is not a testament to our enviable patience, our calm disposition, or our desire for peace. Our “selflessness” is not conducive to raising loving, respectful kids. Instead, the message we send our children is that their feelings and needs are MORE important than ours, and that by extension, their feelings and needs are more important than everyone else’s. They learn that it doesn’t really matter how they treat others.
Whether they know it or not, kids want and need our authenticity. They want us to tell them when enough is enough. The world feels big and unsafe without our guidance, and boundaries keep them feeling safe. Children like knowing that they are not in charge of the big and mysterious world. In fact, the permissively parented child is a high risk candidate for anxiety precisely because of the overwhelming belief that he is in charge of the big and mysterious world!
Game of Force, Fear-Based Compliance → Disrespected Child
On the flip side, others of us fear a loss of control so badly we become rigid and punitive, giving our children little choice but to comply out of fear of repercussions. We punish “bad” behaviour. Whether we spank, yell, isolate, shame, or impose an arbitrary consequence, the lesson we teach is not the one we intend. We love our children and have nothing but great intentions. We want to impose a “consequence” “severe” enough that the child will “remember” and act differently next time. But research has shown, time and again, that punishment does not teach children better behaviour. In fact, the opposite is true. (If that piques your curiosity, I strongly encourage you to read “Punish and They Will Learn” – But What Exactly Will They Learn. When we punish, despite our loving intentions, what we teach our child is that he is bad, I’m against him, I cause him harm on purpose. I am stronger, and the stronger person wins. Sadly, we show the person we love most in the world that our love is conditional, and that it can go at any moment.
In this second scenario, we teach our children that their feelings and needs are LESS important than ours, and that they must do as we say, or else… We encourage the game of force. We teach our children that some people exercise power, while others comply (the game of force is addressed in Compassion – Be The Pebble). This teaches one of two lessons that our sweet, precious children might take with them into adulthood. Either a) don’t make waves, be compliant, and you will be safe; or b) don’t let anyone tell you what to do, seek power at any cost, and you will be safe by being in control. Collaboration, compassion, and understanding do not factor in. This authoritarian approach also increases the risk of anxiety by instilling fear in children.
Maybe We Mix It Up
Perhaps we oscillate between permissive and punitive – we submissively accept the disrespect until we explode and engage in forceful behaviour. Our personal boundaries are so unclear (or perhaps we feel it is wrong to have them), that we don’t realize they are being violated until we can’t breathe; until we suffocate and lose control.
Connection, Loving Guidance, Honouring Feelings → Collaboration and Mutual Respect
What children need to learn is that their feelings and needs are EQUALLY as important as those of others, not MORE, and not LESS. Self-respect, respect for others, love, compassion, and understanding follow naturally.
All feelings are acceptable, real, and authentic. If we can sit with our child’s feelings, even the big and scary ones, instead of avoiding them or denying them, we offer them the gift of inner guidance, self-acceptance, and self-love. Our feelings arise without our conscious permission. They are our guide, our compass to what our needs are. They are crucial, yet many of us are taught to ignore them, to repress them, and to be ashamed of them. Our children need to be sure that we love them no matter what those feelings are.
In the case of behaviour, it is crucial to acknowledge that hurtful behaviour stems from hurt feelings. We need to recognize that our child has some big feelings, and it is imperative we send the message that we’re there to help her sort through them, reminding her that she, as a whole, is completely acceptable. The behaviour may not be okay, but she is ok. Once the feelings behind the action have been accepted and processed, then it becomes our job to offer guidance, to explain to her the possible repercussions of her chosen behaviour. Whose safety was jeopardized by the behaviour? Whose feelings were hurt as a result of the behaviour? Who was disrespected from the behaviour? If it applies, how can we help fix our mistake?
The single most powerful ingredient to make this type of exchange possible is connection. Dr. Laura Markham, clinical psychologist specializing in child development and parenting, claims that defiance is not a behaviour problem, it is a relationship problem. She adds that children who feel connected want to behave (see A Well-Behaved Child Is A Connected Child). When they feel connected to us, children welcome boundaries. In fact, they look for them. They embrace our self-love and self-respect.
The following short interaction occurs in my house regularly when my children’s feelings are heightened and their need to be heard begins to collide with my need for respect. It acts as a reset button…for both parties.
Child: @#$!^?#$&!
Me: It’s okay to be mad, it’s okay to be sad, and it’s okay to be frustrated, but I’m a person too and what do all people need?
Child: Respect. Sorry Mom.
We then go right back to the upset, but I’m no longer the object, the target, or the punching bag. I’m her support, her rock. Also, it helps me feel empathy for her instead of anger towards her.
This simple reminder allows for my child to own her feelings instead of diffusing them in the form of an attack, all the while knowing it is safe to have the feelings no matter how big and scary they might be, knowing she is supported in her journey instead of condemned for having the feelings. She also knows that when the storm has passed and she is ready, if the object of the upset requires a solution, she will either be able to find one on her own, or she will be supported if she needs guidance. She’s not being asked to go calm down somewhere else, she’s not being left alone with her big feelings, and she’s not receiving the message that her feelings are “wrong”.
To maintain this connection with our children, we need to resist the temptation to become punitive. As soon as we turn to force, we do it at the cost of collaboration, which comes from connection. We are perceived as the enemy. Setting limits with empathy is entirely possible while remaining on the same side. Natural consequences to behaviour teach, demonstrate self-respect, and encourage collaboration.
Is my success rate 100%? Of course not! Bad days, tiredness, incompatible demands on my time – they get to me. I lose my patience. But not nearly as often as I would if I chose selfless martyrdom or the game of force.
If you missed it, this article was inspired by a passionate overflow in the writing of Compassion – Be The Pebble.
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