Do you ever have the thought “I’m not good enough”? Not the one that says “I haven’t yet acquired the skills to perform this task.” I mean this general sense of notgoodenoughness, the kind that seems to apply only to you, and tells you that you are a pretty lousy human being. Whether this thought screams at you day in, day out, leaving you feeling paralysed to do anything, or shows up uninvited every now and then, you are the holder of a negative, false self-belief. And chances are, it was likely planted when you were small (more on this later).
Sadly, this general sense of not feeling “good enough” often fuels a need to be “perfect” to render yourself acceptable to others despite “not being good enough”. Enter perfectionism (the kind that is never satisfied, and thinks you fall short and need to do more, regardless of what you do…the kind that causes you stress, grief, and not a whole lot of positive other than that short-lived, very temporary feeling of “hooray” you get right after you accomplish something “perfectly” or receive praise for such an action).
Now, stop right here. This is the first of two important parts. Take a minute to write your definition of perfect. “I would be perfect if I could…”, or “To feel acceptable, I must…”
My definition of perfect: <Do it, write it down on a piece of paper!>
For some people, it might be trying to maintain a certain weight (and stressing out about it whether or not they are doing something about it), look a certain way, do their job to a certain standard (one that feels crazy to even admit), make sure everyone is happy all the time, try to fix people, have impossible standards of cleanliness, avoid making mistakes at all cost (and by extension not do much…since mistakes are inevitable in learning), rehearse what you will say, ruminate on what you did say, etc.
The sad truth is, there is no amount of “doing” that will alleviate the anxiety that comes with the feeling of not meeting those standards you have for yourself. Once you are “more perfect”, you will find the next level/layer of perfect you need to attain and obsess about not quite being that.
Now, let’s stop again. This is the second of two important parts. Think of your friends, the people you care about. What are your very favourite things about them? What is it about them that makes you like them so much, or want to be around them so much?
My favourite things about the people I love: <Take that piece of paper from earlier, write it down.>
I would bet that very little of your description has to do with their vast array of skills, or the way their hair always looks perfect, or how the formatting of their PowerPoint slides is always just so! You probably pointed out stuff like their kindness, how accepting they are of you regardless of what you are going through, how much fun you have when you are with them, how much better you feel after chatting with them. You probably couldn’t care less if the jeans they bought 6 months ago have become too tight.
Let’s go back to the first definition, the one that speaks to what makes YOU acceptable in the world. How does it compare to the standards you set for your friends, the second definition? When you look at them side-by-side, how realistic or useful does your own contract with the world appear? Perhaps your definition of perfect is outdated and no longer useful at all. What do I mean by that? Let’s go back to my comment from earlier about negative false beliefs and how they were likely planted when you were small.
Oftentimes, as children, we receive the message that our caregivers, or other important people around us, only love us if we meet a certain set of conditions…like good grades, high achieving athlete, not too loud, not too demanding. Perhaps we must only show gratitude and appreciation, and are not “allowed” to have negative emotions. Is it possible that the love you received felt conditional? Like it was only available if you were what they needed you to be? And you were otherwise unlovable? As children, if we are treated unkindly as a result of falling short of an expectation, whether through yelling, isolation, being hit, ridiculed, etc., we don’t learn to dislike the caregiver who treats us that way. Rather, we learn to dislike ourselves, and we learn that we are not enough, defective, shameful, and, you guessed it, not good enough.
So in your current day quest for perfection (and accompanying anxiety), perhaps you are still seeking approval from those you needed it from the most, and didn’t quite get it…or didn’t get it consistently.
Is it possible that the cost of not meeting some random set of conditions was so high that you chose to comply in the hopes of making them happy, proud, accepting, or just keeping them calm! And by complying, you learned that perhaps it wasn’t okay to be you, just the way you are.
If that was the case, and that loving you as a child came with a set of conditions, that my friend, didn’t belong to you at all. That isn’t yours. That was never yours. It was their stuff. Perhaps their own background meant they didn’t have the capacity for emotional regulation and flew off the handle at the sight of your emotions because they couldn’t handle their own big emotions. Perhaps they thought they were helping you by imposing fear and ridicule to “help you do better” (which never, ever works long term but keeps getting used because the immediate compliance makes them believe they are doing the right thing…topic for another day).
Fast forward to now. Maybe, just maybe the best thing you can do for yourself and for those you love, is to update that definition of perfection. It wasn’t objective to begin with. If it were, it would apply to everyone…and I bet you don’t hold others to those standards, or even recommend them as ideals.
Let’s go back to the second question. The things you wrote down about what you like about your friends, THOSE are the things you value, that resonate with you, and that are truly important. These traits resonate with who you truly are, your authentic self. That’s why you pointed them out!! Is it possible that THAT is perfection? Being truly you in your most loving form to yourself and to others? Is it possible that the other definition is nothing but a leftover of seeking approval because you were safer when your adults approved of you?
Don’t be your worst enemy, update your definition of perfection. Your anxiety will thank you.
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